Today, nothing is sure in the world of the singles chart. No longer will the winner of Reality Show X be guaranteed a number one with just three days’ sales behind ‘em, not now that some old song from 1845, or some other year before mp3s, can theoretically prevent Mickey Bland Eyes from claiming the top spot. Oh no sir: it’s all change at the top this year.

But not this week: Leona Lewis remains at number one even though some rubbish poo-face called Mika (don't look into his eyes!) has been tipped into 2010 by the sound-alikes at Music Week and beyond. ‘A Moment Like This’ outsells Eric Prydz vs Floyd’s ‘Proper Education’ (really, really bad), which in turn outsells ‘Grace Kelly’ (so bad the world's really surplus simply isn't big enough to accurately emphasise its shite-ness).

A place below We Shall No Longer Speak His Name is Just Jack, whose ‘Stars’ exceeds all expectations by landing at four. Well done, Just Jack: your song’s too boring to even be regarded as shite, but considering what’s above and beneath it, it’s probably the best damn thing in the top ten. At five is Take That’s ‘Patience’, at six JoJo’s ‘Too Little Too Late’, at seven Booty Luv with… oh, you don’t care.

Interesting, to some, new entries: The View’s ‘Same Jeans’ is at 11 (review); Klaxons’ ‘Golden Skans’ makes 16 (review); and Koopa’s rubbish but they’re unsigned so it’s okay ‘Blag Steal & Borrow’ makes 31. Well done, rubbish unsigned boys. You’re shit, but unsigned, so it’s cool, ‘cause you’re socking it to The Man, with your shitty pop-punk, but it’s cool ‘cause you’re unsigned, and you’re stuffing those contracts up The Man’s arse, and…

Jamie T’s ‘Calm Down Dearest’ (review) is at 40, on downloads; The Cooper Temple Clause make 41 with ‘Waiting Game’ (review); and Lynyrd Skynyrd are at 61 with ‘Sweet Home Alabama’. Mental.

Albums: Amy Winehouse’s ‘Back To Black’ goes to one, while last week’s top-seller, Take That’s Beautiful World, falls to four. Below Miss Winehouse – snort – are James Morrision, Snow Patrol, Take That and The Fratellis, in that order. The Fratellis? Who the shit is buying that shit, still?!

The only new entry in the top 40 is Kylie Minogue’s live album, Showgirl – Homecoming Live. We’ve a copy here. We’ve not played it yet. Sorry. At 50 is Gruff Rhys with Candylion, his second solo record, and Nas’s Hip Hop Is Dead is at 71. Which implies, rather, that it isn’t.

Quite. Some other records are available, some of which are in the charts. But the charts don’t mean a damn now, right?