Been bad:
At keeping blogs.
And at life, of late.
Been chasing trains and felt a little rimmed reaching for keys'n'coins down drains but got there in the end - ass in tact. It's been bore-holes, Warhols and mirages of molehills; champagne and toast; horrid calls from the bank and blue moods - the blues of porcelain but without the the rose-tinted cheeks of dolls. Been bleak, yeah, seeing my life the size of lice but seeing the future as something less foreboding and (potentially) something truly forbidable. S'all swings.
Been thinking about meaninglessness a lot. About what people think and overly simplistic perceptions, especially. Been reading The Art of Contrary thinking and flicking through Wikiquotes. Have thought a lot about existence and having a purpose: it's weird how the worst thing in the world is to have nothing left to work towards, be it a dream holiday or a cause or belief or a love or simply mastering a skill. Jobs for hobbies or jobbies for life, it's different strokes and all that. It amazes me how little and trivial some things are that people want, these little happy lives, these carrier bags and smiles that sag. Who am I to judge? I try not to judge at all. All I wanna do is soundtrack lifes and drum idealistic linguistic devices into inspirable encouragables and the malaligned. To move fountains and chink away at the foundations from the inside. Not in a sub-punk kinda way, nor like some post-hipster front for revolution but in a reasoned justification of existence meets judo flip, to be more than hate and sticks'n'stones and big words without actions. Anyone can grumble.
It's not that life for me is about pursuit or the carrot chase or the taste of anticipation but that like all those work force principles about small targets, tiny victories which help crank one cog for the The Ma(n)chine, it's just that anything bigger than that is too much to envision, too much to feel a part of. Things seem pointless. You end up either in a hive too big to truly feel alive or trying to be just another queen bee, just another drip in the oh-cean... It is a little bit that I like the idea of infamy and legacies but more that I wanna do things, for me, for others, things that matter. To give people the chance to live dreams or just breathe more easily. I'm not some kinda huppy-hippy evangelist or martyr, I'm just writing this so that the day I've forgotten who I was I'll remember to come back to this, to refocus my mutterings and for maybe someone to understand.
In globalized times, when everything is increasingly universal, when even the outsiders can congregate online, their sense of being alone impotent and when the thoughtless mass is fractured into the alternative thinking, things feel wronged. Enviroments being seen for what they are, not what they could be.
You're not alone and you could easily have everything on show, either out of poor judgement, immaturity or addictions to attention in a land where we're all dying stars, waiting to be seen. It's easy to feel pulled by other people ramming their criticism on you in an age where everything is googleable, every little thing you do is traceable by someone somewhere. This isn't paranoia but when they care, when you care that they care, you need to be transparent. It's not about loose lips or potent keys but about how quick a reputation can be spoiled if it isn't explainable or justifiable. If the truth isn't out there, is there any truth? And other sucky philosophical cunturmdrums.
I'm alright really, it's just the end of frustration and struggle will unveil some demon for some and be acceptable, if not commendable to those who 'get it'. Exciting times ahead. I'm off to New York on Saturday to interview Beirut, probably about localism and then to talk at CMJ music conference. Then Manchester for In the City to try to get something useful, like an arts grant, left as a jewel for Tony's infamy, rather than some grotesque statue or pointless object, he'd want to know his point, his vision, could carry on being born. Then back to London to relaunch DrownedinSound.com. Then to begin new (ad)ventures. Past few weeks highlight was interviewing PJ Harvey (her voice reminded me of one of my school teachers) and I've been busier than ever but letting everything else fall by the wayside as some pennies dropped. Is time for a holiday again, maybe blue lagoon for NYE's if anyone's with me? Not that anyone is reading.
