Hullo everyone,

I felt bored this morning so decided, for laughs, that I had found out what I’ve been looking for all my life. I’m looking to, so it turns out, start the best band in the world, so to speak, and wondered if any of you could help me. Of course such a band would preferably be one with 6 drummers, 8 harpsichord players (sharing harpsichords as they’re quite tough to find nowadays) and an elephant, but I’m not too fussed how small it starts off. I’m not really looking for musical talent or particular instruments either, just a bunch of (preferably living) geniuses who will ideally each experiment and argue so much that after one life-altering record everyone involved has to retire to space. Even if you think you’d be an amazing triangle player if you owned one (I have one just in case you want to borrow it) you might be suitable, but only if you can make the triangle sound like love, death or Gödel’s incompleteness theorem mind. As influences should be as varied as possible I don’t care if you dig Thurston Moore’s use of F# F# F# F# E B tuning on Society is a Hole or think Elizabeth Cotton should be fetched in a time machine to collaborate with Jeremy Barnes and Subtitle. I don’t even care if you decided at childhood not to listen to anything but raindrops recorded with a dictaphone under a saucepan (your ears can always be covered over during the writing procedure). All I’m concerned with is your ability to alter the course of 21st century history and create music that resurrects the dead, oh and your living somewhere around London.

Thank you for your time. I’ll be on my way now. Email

Iwanttohelpformthebandtheuniversehasbeendreamingof@bluejumpers.com