I'm severely hungover and my brain cannot attempt to be clever or funny so I'll just stick to the truth.

I had a heavy night last night, and all I'm capable of doing right now is drinking tea and watching this on repeat:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8nY84vL2pc

It is mesmeric and soothing.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=UPKu-ib5OXc&feature=related

http://tinyurl.com/65y44s
http://tinyurl.com/22fh6k

One goes
"oo oo ah ah!"
and the other says
"well put the cold tap on then"

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=R9PqjMSNfkU

Yummy yummy!

- Did you hear about the alcoholic? His addiction is destroying his family.

- Two men are in a bar:
"I saw a large number of strange men going in and out of your house yesterday."
"Yes, my wife has become a prositute to fund her cancer treatment."

- Q:Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
A: Because it would be economically unwise to produce and market aspirin for the largely unpopulated jungle.

- Q: Why do undertakers wear ties?
A: Because their profession is very serious, and requires a certain degree of gravitas.

Q: Why would Abu Hamza make a good boxer?
A: Well, he seems quite determined in his beliefs, and would probably dedicate serious commitment to training and preparing for a fight.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=oq4SKmYy-3U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUrnTTJQQYg

http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=1808556

badly

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/

A never-fail. I was going to pick an individual piece off it, but I'm too tired. Just pick anything and pretend I recommended it specifically.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lXdyD2Yzls