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Home > Features

by Rebecca Nicholson

The You Didn't Pay Attention In Biology Class, Did You Award goes to... NOW, for their "Eva Longoria has five months to make a baby" story. Unless she only wants an ickle one, she might need a bit longer. Another four months should do it.

The Biggest Swear In A Headline Award goes to... HEAT. Look how happy that giant "bollocks" has made Davina.

The Return Of The Creative Fashion Trends Award goes to... LOOK. We still fondly remember the issue in which they called Agyness Deyn "Platinum Sherlock" and "Colour-pop Peasant", so this week's Kylie piece sent us all a-flutter: "Platinum Geisha"! "Dominatrix Pony Club"! "Captain Scarlett"!

The What A Difference A Picture Makes Award goes to... CLOSER, for their "Super-skinny Cheryl battles stage fright" picture work. Here's Ms Cole looking petrified on-stage! No, she's not just dancing, like she clearly is in the rest of the celeb weekly shots of the very same night. She's scared. SCARED.

The Will-Change-Mind-For-Pay Award goes to... GRAZIA's Lowri Turner column, in which she argues that 49-year-old Madonna shouldn't have to "put it away" just because she's cracking on a bit ("good for her!"). The same Lowri Turner who called Madonna "muttony" in the Daily Mail? Never!

The Mentalist's Letter Of The Week Award goes to... MORE. "I think I'm a bit in love with Chris Moyles," writes Tina, 22, Kent. We're no strangers to fancying controversies, but Chris Moyles? Really?

The Lost Picture Caption Opportunity Award goes to... LOOK, for missing out on this strange Posh/Julia Roberts pose. For the love of god, where has Victoria put her hand?

The This Is The Stuff We Need To Know Award goes to... MORE's does-what-it-promises "Will this summer be hot then?" feature. Put your coats away for the next few months, ladies, it's going to be a scorcher. Unless you live in Birmingham. :(

The This Is What Magazines Are Made For Award goes to... HEAT, for getting James Corden to pose in a number of classically nudie poses. In the very same article he manages to nakedly crash a Location, Location, Location shoot and embarrass Kirsty Allsop. Good work.