*tickle*

A woman is stood naked in front of a mirror, her husband is in bed, she says to him "look at me, I am getting old, I am fat and ugly" he replies "yeah, but your eyesight is perfect"

boom boom!

Stevie Wonder gets a cheese grater for Christmas.
Mate calls to ask if he liked it.
Stevie says, "Man, that was the most violent book I ever read."

Wallop!!

my personal fave:
One day, a girl was walking along when she spotted, on the other side of the road, a strange man with an orange for a head! So, since she was curious, she crossed over the road to speak to him.

"Excuse me," she asked, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but why do you have an orange for a head?"

The man with the orange for a head replied, "Well, it's a sad story, and many people ask, but I'll tell you if you like. One day, I was in my attic looking through some old boxes, when I came across this old lamp. It was old and dusty, so I gave it a rub to clean it - and to my amazement, a genie appeared, and granted me three wishes!"

The girl was staggered. "Wow! What did you ask for?" The man went on... "Well, first of all, I asked the obvious thing - I asked him for all the money I could ever need!"

"Amazing!" exclaimed the girl, "Did he grant your wish?"

"Yes" replied the man. "He produced an enormous wooden chest, full of banknotes! There must be millions of pounds in it!"

The girl could scarcely believe what she was hearing. "What did you ask for your second wish?"

"For my second wish, I asked him if he could make every beautiful woman in the world attracted to me. This also came true - the next day was the best day of my life!"

"That's incredible!" the girl responded. "So did you go back and ask for your third wish?" The man nodded. "Wow!" said the girl. "What did you wish for?"







































"I asked if I could have an orange for a head"

Of all time...

What did the mathematician do to cure his consitpation?

Work it out with a pencil.