After spending a weekend suckling at the musty teat of corporate-rock whoredom that is V2002, I'm off to the Leeds Carling Festival.

Day 1 - Friday
I’ve been sitting here for over half an hour now. Occupants of the cars behind beep their horns and wave their fists in solidarity, but there’s still no sign of valet parking, disgraceful!

This honest mistake means I miss the first act of the day, emo pant-wetters 'Death Cab for Cutie'. Ho hum. I move on to the Main Stage.

Thousands of tiny fists punch the air; pre-broke voices squeal beneath the hoodies. I fear I may have stumbled into Hell's Kindergarten, or is it..........'Splipknot'!!!. The Kids (many of whom are wearing little boiler suits run up by their mums. Mums evidently drew the line at the 'People = Sh1t' logo) go wild.

The fact that 'And You Will Know Us By The Trail OF Dead' have just thrown their drum kit into the crowd suggest that an encore may not be forthcoming, so I move on to...

'The Streets' closing the Dance Stage. I don’t know if Mike Skinner set out to write this generation’s ‘Weekender’, but ‘Weak Become Heroes’ certainly strikes a chord with the football casuals in the crowd.

Pushing out, leaving the Burberry baseball caps and Hackett tops behind me, I head off for the more cerebral pleasures of ‘Spiritualised’.

Top rumour of the day: It's really Meg White guesting behind the clown mask

Day 2 - Saturday
There's a man dressed as Peter Pan on the main stage, he's accompanied by a woman dressed as a bear, "Who's got the crack!" they shout. Jolly good show.

Ears still bleeding from the ‘Von Bondies’, we’re subject to a further aural assault by the fearsomely be-afro’d lead singer of the ‘Bellrays’ on the Evening Session Stage. It’s only post-ironic nu-garage, but I like it.

Eager to be, on the cusp as always, I check out electroclash’s very own sex bomb ‘Peaches’. What looked from the back of the crowd like a microphone now looks on closer inspection to be rather more like a large version of one of those personal massagers sold in the Innovations catalogue. I feel sure the manufacturers couldn't have envisaged the uses 'Peaches' is putting it to, and am concerned she may be in danger of invalidating her warranty.

Feeling dirty, and not in a nice way, I retreat to my own personal chill out zone - windows up, air con full blast, Radio 2 on - nice.

It’s almost 9.30, and there are choices to be made. According to The Kids, 'The Stokes' are "so five minutes ago". As you know, when The Kids talk, I listen, so I pass. Admittedly The Kids opted instead for the drill n bass delights of 'Aphex Twin', whereas I choose a hot milky drink and an early night.


Day 3 - Sunday
I'm on first name terms with the woman on the French Crepe counter, a mere nod and smile is sufficient to secure the only edible food on site.

"Party til you puke" shouts 'Andrew WK' on the Main Stage. Jolly good show. Although "stand downwind of the toilet block til you puke" may be more appropriate. Quite frankly someone should light a bonfire under the organisers.

The Carling Stage has dispensed with any concept of timing or running order, and is throwing bands at us like a derailed jukebox. Admittedly these bands do include: AC/DC fixated antipodeans ‘D4’; '80s Matchbox B-Line Disaster' (their searing and uncompromising sound is only matched by the searing and uncompromising ugliness of their lead singer. I fear his face may be on backwards); and Scandinavian subversives ‘The (International) Noise Conspiracy’ (the lead singer’s leap from the lighting rig was a true spectacle in a festival sadly lacking in many rock and roll moments).

I closed the weekend at the Evening Session Stage with ‘Black Rebel Motorcycle Club’, a band so good it hurts. Although the meat-head crowd were looking for more ruck than roll.

And so to bed. Well for myself anyway. The Kids evidently felt they hadn’t had enough fun for one evening. I think Jimmy Pursey would have best summed up the events of early Monday morning "Angels with dirty faces? My ars! Ungrateful little bstards"

Top rumour of the day - there was an unholy alliance of 'The Friends of Temple Newsam Park'; Leeds City Council; Prodigy fans outraged that they were laughed off the Main Stage; and The Man. They stood down the police presence at the end of the night, allowing The Kids to riot, and therefore making it impossible to gain a license for next year’s event.


So, 1 month, 2 festivals, 5 days, 56 bands - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now