Dear Jose,

Today I was listening to Xfm and they twice played your 'cover version' of the Knife's 'Heartbeats'. I use the above quotation marks because I prefer to think of your recording of this song as a castration rather than a cover.

Your whimsical, pedestrian, dickless fumble through this song is an embarrasment to the notion of tender acoustic music. The idea that you can strip away the essence of what may be a heavily produced record to the simple beating heart inside (no pun intended) is not a new one, nor is it one which normally produces such a fucking DULL rendition.

I don't know if you've actually listened to the Knife's recording of the song. Just in case you don't have access to a copy let me describe it for you... I would characterise it as a vibrant technicolour pop song, propulsive, funky and distinctive groove, topped off with passionate and unique vocals carrying deceptively dark lyrics. The kind of brilliant fusion of euphoria and melancholy which can soundtrack either mood.

I would characterise your version of the song thus: like being slapped in the face with a wet leaf by someone who's only just woken up.

Couldn't you be arsed to sing? Couldn't you be arsed to emote? Did you think about what the lyrics meant? Or were you just dicking about with the tape still running and accidentally scored a hit? Really you could've tried a second take at least, once you'd got used to the words.

The fact that your version appears to have become the more popular thanks to an appearance in a TV advert for coloured bouncy balls is the ulitmate irony. 'Heartbeats' by the Knife is a coloured bouncy ball of a song. 'Heartbeats' by Jose Gonzalez (or 'Flatlines' as I LOLingly prefer to think of it) is a soggy old tennis ball, which, if thrown for retrieval by even the most easily pleased of dogs, would scarcely elicit a reaction.

It's a triumph for the chin-stroking 'real music' brigade (the ones who keep Rolling Stone magazine in circulation), that your version has gained superioty and your dull little album has yawned it's way into the charts via the pockets of people who buy all their music in train stations.

Just think Jose, you're a singer songwriter whose success in this country is down to a COVER VERSION featured on ADVERT. On which you can barely be arsed to raise your voice let alone sing.

Please, if you're considering covering another song, PLEASE ask me first. You can even come round to my house and I'll record it for you. Perhaps we can attach some electrodes to your balls (if you have any) to liven up your performance?

with warmest regards
restlessboy