I farted when I came once.
it has ended before it started
or is that your faux-pas?
my own words against me to imply I have an inability to sexually satisfy women due to a complete lack of staying power, for which I salute you, alas that is the least of my problems.
smooth unblemished surface, as far as the eye can see
i hate my lovelife
It's a power boost. Girls love that, I'm pretty sure.
Oh god. Someone else please have some amusing yet embarrassing tale.
have fallen asleep? I'll admit I have. Somteime's you're just tired, you know............
sex can be rather tiring....
a few times.
The look of confused hurt on their faces always alerted me to something wrong..
all the time, I was always very conscious of the fact that I shouldn't laugh when she was being all intense, but, the more I thought about it the more I desperately needed to laugh.
NEVER laugh at a girl during sex.
i want to hear more of this story
and your partner laughs back, understanding exactly why you're laughing and not being uptight or humorless enough to join in, you will know you have found what douchebags would call "the one"
if you cant laugh with each other over those sorts of things, then you shouldn't be getting naked together and doing the sex
Embarressing stuff happens during sex - it is possibly one of the most undignified acts two people can take part in together and things are bound to go a bit array sometimes. Laughing at it just makes it less embarressing and more toegethery.
As for faux pas, I've had numerous leg cramps, clicky knees, bumped heads, wierd noises, dead arms etc etc, although I wouldn't necessarily call them faux pas.
a case of laughing AT the girl during sex. More of laughing with her. It's a great feeling.
I didn't realise it was a faux pas. actually it's more like giggling.
What was the reaction?
I mentioned this the other night, but an untentional headbutt occured when losing my virginity.
this was originally directed at Twentynine, but somehow the 3 posts got through at the same time.
Mixed with mild disgust.
I'd love to say I topped the moment off with a witty retort but the humilation still haunts me (and makes me laugh in equal measure) some 6 years later
An ex used to wet the bed when really pissed. Obviously he didn't get any then.
used to piss the bed, or in the corner of the room and pnch me in the face when totally pissed. FUN TIMES
he blamed it on her and she got really embarrassed.
I can't quite fathom what was where
but for a serious answer, pretty much twentynines, but with a loud burp instead. i dont think the two were related though, just unfortunate
I'VE GOT A NEW HERO
I staggered round to the girlfriend's house severely drunk around 1 am one nigth a month or two ago.
What I am now repeating is mostly hazy for me, but her and her two housemates corroborate it all.
1) I knocked on the door, and when it opened, literally fell straight through it.
2) Got carried upstairs, put in bed.
3) Was kissed on cheek and comforted and then told to remove my tshirt and jeans. My response: "STOP TRYING TO RAPE ME!)
4) Given glass of water. Girlfriend sat behind me, urging me to drink. I somehow manage, 'Airplane' style; to throw the water over my shoulder instead of into my mouth when trying to drink, hitting the girlfriend in the face and thus soaking her.
The rest is not worth telling nor as amusing, but apparently I started shuddering and quivering and spazzing out in my sleep, meaning she slept on the floor that night, away from my flailing limbs.
Oh, and of course I once accidentally headbutted her in the 'area' when down there. And also managed to roll off the bed with her and land on the floor one time. And then I also slammed her head against a shelf, which was pretty lol.
"Stop trying to rape me!" still brings me out in fits of giggles.
Brilliant! I'm in tears! :D
almost as bad getting your legs stuck inside your trousers and falling over and banging your head on a desk.
Man, I'm so inept at sexy stuff :(
i have also done the tings in the last paragraph. bed wrestling can be fun for some, but i get a bit competitive. last time i dropped an elbow drop from my windowsill onto the bed then powerbombed my ex girlfriend
have you tried the Walls of Jericho as a position? Tis deep...
unless in reverse, but thats just the wheelbarrow then innit
the tombstone position is pretty intense though.
something i had the pleasure of overhearing/experiencing at a friend of mines house once.
after a merry party, folk are sleeping where they pass out. i myself have managed to pull but my new acquaintance has decided to vacate (:(). anyway, i can never sleep at these to do's and i was up and about with the other hangers on that were awake and still gurning. then all of a sudden, a girl, clearly distressed, storms past, tears streaming down her face. she's quickly followed by a bloke who was covering his jewels yelping for said girl to come back. we who are a bit surpised by this sudden blaze of naked activity ask him whats he did to deserve this...
he genuinely said:
"well, this song came on, and i just couldn't control myself so i got up to dance and since she was on top, i sorta took her with me..."
he'd lept up, flew out of her, while she flew off the bed and landed with a thud. ..
thus, never shag and dance
Surprised he didnt have pilly willy too
once I accidently pointed out that a girl had made my fingers go all wrinkley... aparently I shouldn't have pointed that out.
It was worst pubic hairstyle I've ever seen.
now there's a google image search and a half.
...no, I'm not ready yet.
Don't try and force the issue. That's how all this got started.
But have most definitely found the worst thong - https://secure.fantasygirl.co.uk/acatalog/hairstyle5.jpg
It deserves it's own thread really.
All you need to know is that it involved a small quantity of poo. And that to this day I'm amazed I got away with it.
As a compromise for the disappointment you're all no doubt feeling, can I interest you in a tale of cunt-kneeing? I knee girls in the cunt. A lot. The lesson is: NEVER MOVE ANY PART OF YOUR BODY DURING SEX.
you should be okay?
and elbows are sharper and bonier than knees.
In which case your entire body is sharp and you cut your sexual partners to ribbons.
and now i think we all need to know the poo tale...
I think he crapped on a naked peter crouch, narrowly avoiding death by extreme laceration.
the truth may actually be worse.
'jesus is watching you'
a second coming
I see your wotsit and raise you a woah:
I like the fact that she looks surprised. What is she looking at?
she's gorping at her own festerous stench?
her minge is bigger than my torso!
Let's just say, my finger was in a certain area when it encountered a certain object. And there was almost much vom and recrimination, but I regained my composure and got rid of it before the previous owner of said object noticed it was no longer in her possession.
The next morning, the object somehow returned. Attached to furniture. Again, there was almost vom, but I regained my composure and got rid of it again. Permanently this time.
oh god, and so eloquently told.
Actual words spoken (both times)
Me: "NOTHING... nothing..."
and it zooming in on your face, contorted in "NOOOO!" before cutting to the object, lying on the furniture and looking out of place and slightly lost.
feeling quietly confident I didn't have any awful stories...
Alas, I've been proved wrong.
But I'm not sharing.
tell us the story!
And I'm sticking with no.
There's nothing too gory/gruesome/exciting...
be a sexual faux pas of mine though, would it?
How does that work?
I just spat out a soggy biscuit
involve the word "rag".
no further comment.
'coz she was already wet :p
how about putting mouth places.
doings things with my "specials".
removing safety things.
realising that i was a very, very very lucky boy.
damn, i feel dirty thinking about it now.
instead of "faux pas".
Sorry I don't have any :(
I've not exactly been in that situation enough to even have committed a major faux pas.
I think the worst it gets me is saying "what film shall we watch tonight?" after about half an hour of foreplay when things were starting to get a lot more intense (what was I thinking?). And that's not half as bad as some I've read above.
after a night out on the beers and a takeaway on the way home. The action finally kicked off back in the bedroom. midway through I realise all is not well in the digestive region, in fact there is a serious fucking problem. Like a true hero I persist and take us both to the crest of the hill (badly), detach, crawl to the en suite which was 2 yards from the bed and hurled my guts up for a solid 5 mins. I crawl back to the bed, forgetting to clean teeth naturally, and in time honoured tradition, passout for approx 8 hours. beers + greasy takeway + hot f*cking action not a winning combo, apparantly.
that was indeed the last time I shared a bed with that particular lady
and it shouldn't...Ashley Cole's done that too...
I've done that. Whoops.
without washing my hands. The pain.
asking a girl if she minded if I got my coat 10 minutes after meeting her. That perttymuch ended any making outs that were going on.
It's always a struggle to fight my comedy instincts and say...make a deliberately stupid noise at the crucial point. Like an Alan Partridge style 'A-ha!'.
I'm still unsure whether the 'never-having-sex-again' outweighs the potential LOLs...
pedestrianisation of Norwich City centre = instant passion killer.
AP chocolate mousse classic. dumping his lady over the radio while she rides the cab home he booked her.
but we were kind of fooling around she said she didn't want to go all the way and i replied "i don't think i can stop myself"
yeah, she thought i was going to rape her. oops.
that i wasn't
knocked a girl out, by hitting her head against the wall whilst things were getting a bit more frantic.
The BEST story though. Names may be blurred in this story
Boy and Girl are in house. Girls parents leave. Girl then issues the invitation that you can 'do absolutely ANYTHING to me'.
Boy elects to fuck her in the arse on the sofa. All is going well, until the unexpected sound of the parents car arriving home.
Boy panics and pulls out creating a vacuum effect which sucks out what can only be described as a nugget of crap.
The couple only had enough time to get dressed, before the parents entered the room and noticed the poo on the sofa. They enquired as to what had happened.
Trying to maintain a straight-face, the Boy said 'The dog shat on the sofa'
the family realised they didn't have a dog...and were mightily confusled...
-Knocked myself out on a low lying shelf. She perversely carried on
-Had to get up mid act because I thought I was going to be sick as her breath stank of reef. Dry heaved for a bit, then came back and started again
-Whilst sexing in a friend's room, I accidentally blurted "Man, Tom's room is really messy isn't it?"
-Fooling around in bed with an ex, and her mum came in with an elderly neighbour who wanted to us the computer to print some photos. I then had to get up and help out.
My fave though didn't happen to me but my old flat mate. Mid blow job he had to tell a girl, "Sorry can you not suck on that ball? It's fake, as I had testicular cnacer last year"
I suppose you're perfect are you!
i don't have any embarrassing stories.
"LOL GIVEN U MOUF CANCER"
should be one of the greatest sexual experiences of your entire life. You've dispelled the anxieties associated with 'losing your viriginity;' so it's time to start, like, actually getting on and enjoying it.
Said enjoyment, let it be known, can be greatly impaired by the severance of a very small strip of flesh in a very sensitive area.
i was being told the story and nearly gipped.
he was getting wanked off and she cocked it like a shotgun and clean snapped it in half. apparently the skin was flapping about
I've had it somehow get nicked during sex.
Unsurprisingly it bleeds like a motherfucker.
snapped his banjo string during drunken sex, and made a phone call to his mother in the middle of the night which opened with the immortal line, 'mum, i've broken my cock!'
his mum was a nurse
i know someone who this happened to
but the friend was attached at the time so declined, i took her to my room, and after a minute or so of fumbling she told me that she only wanted to be with my friend so was going home, i pleaded "could i at least get a blow job?"
a lifetime low.
= best ever. I only wish I had something good to contribute.
you don't get
we had both fancied each other for a while I think. Starting to really enjoy ourselves and then he suddenly starts going "yeah you're my bitch aren't you! Yeah!"... I laugh, he looks dejected, game over.
We both pretend it never happened now.
"Yeah I am and you're the king" or whatever, I just couldn't help die laughing
silly things people say in sex = lols
we've all tried the "blowjob plea" at some desperate moments in our lives.
but when i've been drunk and having sex before, i sometimes would start trying to debate philosophical questions with myself, out loud, like "what's the meaning of life?"...my ex just thought it was funny
Poo coming out. Smells bad. Showers, Crying (by her, not me) telling her it was OK, that it wasn't bad (it was) not getting my rocks off.
"Stanley Ternent's illegitimate,
He aint got no birth certificate
He's got AIDS and he can't get rid of it
Dirty Burnley Bastard"
to a one night stand when i noticed a Burnley poster on her wall, whilst on the job.
Starting an uncontrollable fit of giggles when my girlfriend at the time did a queef which sounded uncannily like a transformer transforming.
getting passionate with a lady in some toilets in a hotel, lifting her onto the sink and smacking her head and back on the mirror whilst soaking her arse with the taps.
I accidentally made an ex-girlfriend cry because of being unable to stop laughing at a particularly loud and violent series of queefs.
I felt bad about upsetting her, but it was very very funny.
started working on me while i was still asleep. Perhaps her idea of a nice morning surprise. I woke up with her on me and promptly yelled "Get the fuck off me!"
a day of apologising and promising that I DID find her sexually attractive ensued.
ruminating about what it might be to the detriment of performance; eventually making excuses and moving to leave; responding to request to "call me, ok?" with "sorry, I can't save your number because I really can't remember what your name is".
This thread has caused me to get a fit of the giggles at work.
I can't stop, everything is funny now.
I thought he was bleeding, it turned out to be poo. And worst of all it was on his friends duvet. We tried washing it off with timotei shampoo (whilst pissing ourselves laughing) only to end up ripping the duvet and feathers flying everywhere. Of course, we denied everything.
We took it into the toilet, as a Polish man was sharing the room we were sleeping in, and we were far too polite to have sex in his presence.
but when i was round a friends house once i went for a poo and there was no toilet roll left. so i used one of their towels. The friends younger sister got the blame.
this never happened by the way.
WATCH ME SUPERMAN DAT HOE!
after sex: "so is your name (name with one letter changed to make a different name) or (actual name)"
and from the other way round
*lying in post coital bliss. bloc party's So Here We Are plays on the stereo*
her: "i always get Mull Historical Society mixed up with Bloc Party cos they both have a darkie in them"
Obviously this story isn't about me. I only wish that one day I will get myself into a situation where I can make a faux pas....
At my old school there was this story going around about a sixth year couple (sixth form is almost the equivalent. 16/17/18 year olds). They were at her house for the weekend, as her parents were away. They start getting pretty amorous, as young things do.
Now you have to understand, my last school wasn't exactly filled with the most erudite and charming of people. It was in a commuter village that people only knew by which motorway it bordered onto.
Anyway, she was going down on him and he was liking it, a lot really. Just as he was about to come (and I like to imagine this as if it were said by a town crier):
"SQUIRTY SQUIRTY TIME!!!"
Then he splooged on her face. It's good to let bitches know, y'know?
The best part is, she was so upset and confused by this (frankly quite earnest) announcement that she ran out OF HER OWN HOUSE.
They split up.
I should'ave posted this earlier. It won't get the recognition it deserves.
threw up on his then-girlfriend while having sex with her on a pool table, shouted 'CLEAN IT UP' at her and walked off.
I have laughed for the last 20 minutes.
For my part, I have never had any sexual disasters. I don't get it that often, and when I do, I don't leave anything to chance.
the bead story!
Give the boy a prize! :)
is frickin hilarious
I was getting a relationship-first beejay from a girl I had just started seeing...
Anyway, she was the non-swallowing kind...
and the second I reached the denouement, so to speak...
she moved away...
at which point I said, totally quippy-joking and affectionate, like:
'Ooh, you prude!' - sort of camped up, a la Frankie Howerd.
Anyway, she was really upset - she said it was such a personal thing and for me to be making a joke of it was a dreadful breach of intimacy and far too flippant etc... really narked off.
Probably right, but I really didn't forsee that response. A good example of ironic sexism and laddishness being interpreted (probably correctly) as sexism and laddishness.
Needless to say I don't say that anymore.
I think I have a new catchprase!
That'll confuse things.
i pretty much never want to have sex or go near a human being ever again :D
just, oh jesus.
i too did the pissing thing.. over my ex, she told my me to get the f**ck out of her house (as she would) i being completely bollocksed replied with .."get out of my house" and proceeded to piss all over her bed (thinking it was the loo i add) .. admist the screams her brother was called from the next room, who she wanted "support" from he in turn walked from his bedroom into the laundry room, flipped up the washing basket lid and proceeded to piss in there (also thinking it was the toilet..) needless to say she was happy.. the story does continue but im starting to laugh at my own experiences..
just no :(
pools of bright crimson blood from my willy's torn banjo string, not feeling the pain because of drugs and causing my girlfriend to scream in terror and run to the bathroom to check her womb hadn't fallen out or something.
Serious. Scary. Urgh.
just all over myself?
of their cum-face is always good value too ;o)
Done that too! Twice!
what are you meant to do when this happens?
but overheard an ex (I'd be seeing her a couple of weeks) saying to her male friend that she'd never you know, get her laffing gear round it.
I binned her the next day.
but the thing that went down worst was when I asked something like "I wonder if Natasha Kaplinsky had to practise ice skating before she did that tonight."
It was new year's eve 2005 and I'd been drinking a lot, and I've always been a big Kaplinsky fan. Lady wasn't pleased, though.
when a girl fanny farted.
he took a girl back to his during his first week of uni and was dramatically trying to re-enact some of the quite bold moves he'd seen.
Apparently it ended, as so often these things do,when he had her in what must have looked simillar to the walls of jericho, then slammed his head into a shelf and knocked himself clean unconscious.
but hilarious too :)
Is a small link that says:
"Digital Singles Club Unveiled"
with my ex's staying power. Trouble is I was so delighted I wouldn't shut up wondering exactly how long it had lasted. So I started going on about timing each 'event'.
This lead to the most disappointing, ruined action. On which I blame my introduction of the stop watch.
I was naively confused at the time,(no pun intended) it all seems so obvious now.
apparently impressed with his own stamina, although he didn't go as far as to use a stop-watch. Other times he would apologise immediately afterwards if he didn't think he was good enough, or thank me.
...I think I slept alone that night
having just had sex with a girl and her annoucing how good it was i annouced "yeah just scratching an itch wasn't it" i was trying to establish a casual feeling as did not want to end up in a relationship with said young lady, what i actually ended doing was landing myself in terribly hot water and creating a reputation for myself as a cold emotionless bastard... whoops
She was more than happy to let me stick my tongue down there, silly cow.
*Am afraid I can't share on this thread, although I miss the days of anonymity in cases like this.
I was supposed to be staying at a friends house in East London but met a nice girl at a party. When she asked if I wanted to come back to the flat that she had just moved into she did warn me that it was a bit of a mess. I wrongly assumed that she was being a typical girl and that they'd just be a few towels left lying about on the floor or the odd bit of lingerie sticking out of a laundry basket. How wrong i was! We ended up walking for what seemed like miles through the grimy streets to what looked like East Londons version of The Projects. I was led up a darkly lit flight of stairs that were strewn with litter and stank of dank, stale piss into a run down flat that could quite easily have been kindly described as a squat. She lived with two other people who, thankfully, I didn't meet but I knew that I had made a bad mistake when I went into the toilet to take a piss and noticed that inhabitants had been wiping their arses with week old copies of The Metro.
Perhaps I should have left then but horniness and, after feeling incredibly lucking for having avoided being gang smashed in downtown east London, self preservation took over, so I went into her bedroom. Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire! Her room was an even bigger dump then the shambles of a flat that preceeded it. There was a single mastress strewn in the corner, old clothes all over the floor and an empty Fray Bentos pie can laying next to the bed. Worst still was that there were clearly visible racist slogans dawbed all over the walls in big black writing against a bright red wall that had been hastily painted over with one coat of white paint. As i stood looking aghast at C18, Niggers Die!, Buddhas F*ck Off, Pakis Burn etc etc the girl could see I was a bit shocked and said 'Oh I've been meaning to paint over that again!'. I looked at her bemusedly and said 'Yeah, it probably needs another coat or two.'
Once again I considered making a dash for it but i had no idea where my mate lived and he had turned his phone off, probably out of spite because I had ditched him, and I didn't fancy walking the streets of Hackney or where ever I was at 3 in the morning, so i took the English stiff upper lip decision and decided to grin and bear it. I turned off the light and tried to block out the mess surrounding me, the orange glow of the street lights shone through the single bed sheet draped shodilly over the window and guided my way through the unholy mess camouflaging the carpet. I lay down on the bed with her on the bare mattress, quickly realising that the sheets had been sacrificed for window coverings.
Now you'd really think that that complete horrow show would have put me right off my stride but when faced with triffling moral dillemas such as that I like to revert to the 'When in Rome' theory and throw all caution to the wind, so I started to get down to the inevitable nitty gritty with her. A couple minutes in i noticed she was scratching her arms with increased ferocity. The sheetless mattress was pretty itchy on the skin but this was beyond a joke. I asked her if she was alright and it was then that she told me she had a serious ezcema problem and the horrific, colouring filled Barcadi Breezer drinks she had stupidly insisted I bought for the walk home had set her skin off in a nasty itchy reaction. Well that was the final straw! There's only so much a man take. Only so many hideous faults he can overlook before he decides enough is enough! Wiping your arse with a news rag I can take, living in a complete tip of a flat in a derelict part of London I can just about accept. Hey, I was even willing to ignore the Nazi-esque scribblings on her bedroom wall but i'm afraid i have to draw the line at a woman frantically scratching herself to bits during sex making all because she was f*cking dumb enough to drink 4 bottles of multi coloured piss water which she must have realised would set off her advanced leperocy.
With that I pulled on all my clothes and summoned up enough strength through the resentment to just about make a half hearted 'are you alright' noise and left the room telling her that i'd get her a drink of water. In the equally filthy kitchen I turned on the tap and let it run to try and disguise the noise of me desperately ringing my mate to try and get a reprieve from the horrible fate that had once again found me. No answer. After leaving a hushed but despairing distress call on my so-called friends voicemail I slowly resigned myself to the fact that i was hopelessly alone and was going to have to spend the night in this tramps hovel. There didn't seem to be any cups in the kitchen except a handleless mug and a Dolmio jar, with its label wet and faded. After checking with the increasingly irritating girl I was told that the sauce jar was hers and that they hadn't got around to buying any glasses yet. Considering that they hadn't got around to buying toilet roll, curtains, furniture or anything else of any discernible value i can't say that this came as much of a shock to me. I filled it from the browning taps and skulked back into her room before passing it to the doe-eyed vacuous bint looking up at me, who was desperately trying to act all feeble and lady like amongst the shitty mess that surrounded her. As she bleated a pathetic 'Aw thanks, Babe' i realised that i now hated her but would have to hide this best as possible if I was going to make it until morning. Thinking ahead, I told her i had to be up really early and turned the light off again, stumbled towards the bed and lay on it fully clothed with my back to her, my arms folded, fruitlessly trying to block out the sound of her scratching and the thought of her flakey dead skin all over the bed. Tired and feeling sleepy from that nights drinking I shut my eyes and prayed for sleep to take me.
When I awoke the sunlight was peering through the bed sheet. I looked at my phone, it was only half six in the morning but I knew this would be the best time to make my escape. Hopefully she wouldn't hear me and the streets would be relatively safe now that it was daylight. Whilst I hurriedly put on my trainers I noticed the girls red raw arms laying ontop of the duvet and the grim dusting of white skin flakes against the dark blue cover like eerie stars in the night sky. I looked down at the black sleeves on my jacket. They were covered in skin flakes too. Feeling repulsed, I crept out of the room. As soon as I reached the front door I started to pull off my jacket. Once outside and with the door quietly closed behind me, I gave it a damned good trashing against the wall in an attempt to remove all the sickening skin crust and ran for my life through the streets to try and flag down the next passing taxi to take me all the way back to Paddington.
As i sat on the train back to Reading feeling positively dirty and having severe difficulty eating my M&S Breakfast sandwich for thoughts of the leper skin i was no doubt encrusted with, I got a message on my phone, it read; Had a really fun time wit you last night. Sorry you had to leave early. Thanks for bein so cool bout my xma. Wanna meet again soon?
Needless to say I didn't reply and spent the rest of the journey looking out the train window at the fields whistling past wondering why these terrible things always happen to me.
In the preceeding days she sent me a few desperate messages on facebook, the last of which said, and I quote 'Is this not the dude who drank barcardi breezers with me in our secret garden...?'
By secret garden she means rundown, needle filled park next to her dodgy block of flats where we sat and drank the grim booze while I chained smoked and waited to get gang smashed. Perhaps I should have mentioned that bit in the story because we were nearly attacked by an overly tame fox and she nearly got me into a fight with a group of lads who asked for a cigarette. I've just looked at her photo again now and she wasn't nearly half as good looking as i remember. For shame! She said she was a promotions girl but the only thing I'd employ her to promote would be massive f*cking tubs of calamine lotion!
Probably one of the best stories told on DiS that I have ever read...
there's plenty more where that came from. I feel sexually vicitmised!
that was amazing :)
i do feel for you mind'
but an excellent story none-the-less
but then time is a good reflection upon the mistakes that you make.
Especially those that involve drink, an inflated sense of self importance and the fact that you think you desrve better......when, really, you don't!
or really hate you
I have to say your story has made me ever more wary. Its like that episode of friends.
Thanks for the entertainment.
I'm still chuffed about that 10 years on.
best post ever.
The romantic down and out bohemian wants to know where she lived.
it was about a 5 minute walk from Brick Lane.
The flats were these really over bearing, redbrick, Victorian type. Like the tenement block from Hell.
It really was grim. As was she.
post more plz
my similar dirty sty flat girl story pales in comparison
That was a great story man..
this broke my heart hahahaha excellent story
going down on a girl. When i woke up she had left, i never saw her again.
It was you, wasn't it?
then thats a good thing that she does that....right? hot girl snot = :)
That to stop myself from coming I'd try and pick a fantasy England XI, working from the strikers backwards.
She wasn't best pleased with my honesty.
On the comedy side of things, it was the late 90s, and you know who was in goal for England then.
this thread has made me have a terrible flashback. I was drinking at a club and stayed after it had shut cause a few friends worked there. I was supposed to stay at my friends house but I had to meet my mum near the club the next day, so I asked a girl that lives nearby if she minded if I crashed at hers. I had no sexy intentions, as I just thought of her as a friend, and it was also just the sensible thing to do, to save myself having to get up really early the next day.
So, arrived at her house, completely drunk and lay down on the floor, trying to sleep. The next thing I know she starts asking me to come to bed, so I thought no, I can just lie here and pretend to be asleep. Then she started getting really irate, shouting at me, saying that if I didn't come to bed she would call me a taxi. I mean really angry, frothing at the mouth, ticking me off like a mother. Terrified, and feeling very stupid and naive, I crept into her bed and gave her a peck on the cheek. She then tried to put my hand down her pants and I resisted a bit, trying to work out if it was really worth shagging this girl I really, really didn't fancy or if I should just go and sleep on a bench.
Luckily she said that I didn't have to do anything if i didn't want to, cause she knew i'd just broken up with my girlfriend. I said that yeah, I was pretty broken up by that and jumped out of her bed, feeling really frightened and abused. She has never spoken to me since. I am glad, she really freaked me out.
not fit then?
not even when drunk?!
but she had pictures of her when she was er..slim, so I did make an effort to try and rationalize things. Really drunk attempts like, if i stare at the picture, then stare at her, and squint..didn't work out.
that's just a story about how you didn't want to sex a fat girl
...has evolved into "Sexual Misadventures. Discuss"
it did. KEEP UP!
finally remembered something to go on here!
a couple of years ago i once answered the phone whilst receiving some exceptionally bad oral sex. my mate on the phone was telling me that he'd just sat next to Johnny Borrell on the bus so he was pretty happy about that and we had a good 5 minute conversation.
needless to say i dumped the sexer the next day. good times!
i'm a girl.
just this once, mind..!
I was justing writing another longwinded story of ill-reput and accidentily pressed abandon reply instead of post.
if you aren't a 90wpm plus typist like myself.
I look forward to your story!
be arsed to write it again.
WRITE IT OUT AGAIN
my jaw clicked and got kind of got stuck when I was down on a guy so yeah, that didn't really work out
well not COMPLETELY closed but it can't have been pleasant
human vibrator? brilliant
lolz all dayz
an old friend of mine once told me a story about horrific pet abuse.
one of his mates had managed to persuade his ladyfriend at the time to do anal, and one evening when her parents were out of the house (they were about 18 at the time i believe), they set down to business on the sofa. the white sofa.
unfortunately, mid-anal-coitus, she kind of...lost control, leaving a nasty and incriminating mark on said white sofa, which nothing could remove. not jif, not lemon juice or any other of kim & aggies fancy tricks. panicking, the only option to turn to was the beloved family dog...the pooch was subjected to very strict and cruel house training, which the parents believed was the only option as the early attempts had apparently failed.
as far as i know she never confessed.
the variation is that the dog gets put down
its a common urban legend.
this story appears further up does it not?
It does. Tsk.
his other story involved a girl being caught rolling round in her accident, but i thought that was too far.
In light of Scutterbuckets latest revelations.
totally won this thread the first time as well.
never happened, never happened.
It's worse if you accidently shit while you wank.
In fact, i'm sure of it. I've just read the rest of it from start to finish and it was all rubbish except for the bits i wrote.
i aM lEG eND!
You just tainted your brilliant post.
How's tricks, ma man?
You're right. 100% so. Drunken internetting aint no good. If someone made a chart of it, i'd say most paedophilia searches on Google happen from 11 o'clock onwards. After 10.30pm on Sundays.
I better get some kip before i instigate myself in anything a bit too sexy.
Don't make me spill.
P.s. Was you the one who called me Mr.Potato Head before? If not...than I'd better get a hammer n chisel and change the shape of my spuddy dome.
But you said something about my sunglasses or something first. Basically, you were begging for it.
You've changed your picture now though. Don't sweat it. Must have been a bad light on that last shot.
Now we can persue a happy marriage together.
P.s. Your whole looke their is very reminiscent of David Thewlis in 'Naked''.
And he's the twat out of Harry Potter.
Keep that in mind.
you made my day at work enjoyable :D
"oh grandad" at the climatic moment can be a real turn-off for those not into their mid-sex irony
On a similar vein a girl I'd been seeing wanted me to come back to her house at about 3am after leaving a club, we were walking back, both drunk, when she pulled me into a nearby park saying she couldn't wait until reaching her house. Not one to duck out of potential sex I followed her into the park, before getting down to Buziness in the middle of the grass
I was on top of her when I noticed a horrified look spread across her face as her gaze fixated over my shoulder - I turned around to see two thin African guys just stood there watching. They didn't even say anything, it was as if they were watching a wildlife programme.
Much awkwardness ensued, so I quipped 'do you fancy joining in?' which the girl I was with didn't see the funny side of, getting dressed and storming off, leaving me alone and naked with two dudes in a park.
everything about it....
i applaud you.
until they went away.
No, really, I just left hurriedly, whilst the girl in question was extremely embarrassed - shame.
The African guys, who knows what happened to them, maybe they'll make a This Is Your Life style entrance back into my life sometime in the future..
which caused me to laugh even harder
falling off the bed too drunk everytime we changed over
my mate told me the other day that her first time with her ex they lost the condom up inside her and she had to go on all fours for him to try and get it LOL that would be so embarassing.
being caught by housemates
oh fuck! i forgot about this one, my first ever bf, my mum caught me tied to the bed.. haha that was really bad.
when i was but a wee naive bairn, i went out and got completely hammered with some friends from college and ended up meeting a lovely young lady who, as far as my drink-addled eyes could tell, was a beautiful wee thing and she made her intenions known that she wanted to fuck me. now, at this point i had only had a couple of very drunken sexual experiences so was always happy to oblige to servicing a lady. she suggested going back to mine, i refused (thankfully) as my parents are the jesus-loving type (as i was meant to be) and some skank in my bed would have gone down about as well as shitting on my mums top lip. i said we should go back to hers but her father was the protective type so that was a no go too. instead we wandered to some run-down spot in macclesfield town centre and i sat on a wall as she straddled me and we got to business. after the third person or so had walked by she decided this wasn't quite doing it for her and we had to stop. this, i believe, is when we bumped into a friend of mine. he said he had a spare room and we could go there. so off we trotted...
the only thing i remember about the rest of the evening is drinking some more beer and then her being particularly tight during our shenanigans (and me gentlemenly just carrying on being the drunken state i was).
i woke up in the morning staring at some bicycles attached to the ceiling. i was on a bare mattress naked on the floor of my friends garage witha stinking hangover. not a great start. i then looked over and found my best mates ex-girlfriend who he had a restraining order out against lying next to me. oh dear. i tried the silent sneak but she awoke and i had to piece together with her what had happened with as much hungover tact as i could. asking if we'd used protection she said we didn't need to...
it was only about a year ago (this all happened about 8 years ago) that i remembered this story and realised i had unintentionally fucked this poor psychotic girl in the arse.
and that's the story of how i got my brown wings. sorry.
i have another terrible one but i can't remember the details well enough to do it justice and it also brings shame upon me in a big way.
clearly using other accounts to tell us this down and dirty shi'.
it's all funny shit to me so I'm not complaining. Whoever bumped this from Jan 08 I must say well done as it's probably the best thread this site has ever or will ever see.
Barry tries to carry a passed out hooker through a narrow doorway lengthways
Everyone knows that girls love being woken up by drunk 3am phone calls, so one night about two years ago I stumbled off to the toilet, scrolled down to my girlfriends number, called, and waited for her to answer.
It was pretty loud in the club, but over the noise I heard a guy pick up my girlfriends phone. I was like WHAT THE FUCK, its 2am and she's with some guy??? Promptly I started throwing insults down the phone, demanding to speak to my girlfriend
After a scuffling sound I heard her tired voice answer the phone, asking what on earth i was doing ringing the house phone at that time of night. the fucking house phone. it was her dad. Suffice to say neither me or her dad never ever mentioned this in real life.
Not sexual, but whatever
unless you've got really bad aim.
or about to cross the finish line at the last London Marathon.
my legs cramped up and I had a bizarre mixture of satisfaction and pain so I laugh/cried like an insane person until I managed to calm down.
Some of these are too fuckin mingin tho, honest..
i'm in tears.
I was up to no good with a lady on one particular occasion when, to cut a long story short, my roaming right hand discovered some form of initially unidentifiable foreign object lodged between her front and back bottoms. On closer inspection it had the appearance of a badly rolled and battered tramp's roll-up. It was actually worse - it was a piece of toilet roll that had rolled itself up in the wiping process and remained secreted somewhere between her lady flaps/butt cheeks/whatever... Not a good look, all told. The best of it was that she realised that I had had my attention averted from the job in hand, and, such was my horror, I told her of my findings. Moodkiller, anyone?! :-/
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