YESYEYESYES

ily xx

worse than sweet cheeks

even out at this time of the nightshift?

someone ask me now.

Dear icouldwinarabbit,

Congratulations! Mr Alain “Pigfoot_” Tandy has offered you the chance to be his girlfriend. We would like to take this opportunity to express how pleased we are for you that our client has chosen you of the dozens of girls he has spoken to over the course of his twenty years. In order to finalise the relationship and confirm your commitment to it, you must sign this contract. Once the contract is singed, you and Mr Tandy will be free to fornicate, reproduce and/or marry. If there are any clauses in the contract which you find troubling or confusing, please don’t hesitate to contact us at 01926 013854

Here’s the contract. Good luck and we wish you many happy and prosperous years as Mr Tandy’s significant other!

To honour this relationship contract, you must:

• Understand that Mr Tandy is, essentially (whilst he will try and be as fair as possible), in a position of authority.
• Never, under any circumstances, kiss, fellate or have sex with any other man. Breaking this rule will result in serious repercussions.
• Try to be as entertaining as possible in social situations.
• Dress respectably. Whilst Mr Tandy is likely to want your presence with him to provoke jealousy in other men, it would be inappropriate for them to see any part of your breasts, midriff or upper arms.
• Respond in like kind if Mr Tandy says ‘I love you’.
• Behave in a way that will allow Mr Tandy to look back on the relationship wistfully. E.g. running on the beach in slow motion, staring into Mr Tandy’s eyes while eating an ice cream, laughing at a seagull (all of these things could be set up on a single day-trip, if necessary).
• Be understanding if Mr Tandy feels it necessary to cry before, during or after sexual intercourse.
• Never complain about the odour and/or taste of Mr Tandy’s semen.
• Stand by Mr Tandy if he is ever charged with any crime, however disgusting.
• Avoid criticising or challenging Mr Tandy’s underlying philosophy or opinions. Doing so could result in your being attacked physically.
• Cook and clean for Mr Tandy, and bathe him wherever necessary.
• Never sulk in public because of something Mr Tandy has done or said to you.

Signed ___________________________________________