So, the New Kings of Rock’n’Roll, what a novel concept for a Channel 4 series. But why are Snow Patrol here? Their plodding indie, apart from having guitars, is not rock’n’roll. But then, what is rock’n’roll nowadays? Is it haircuts and catchy riffs? Or is it about acting like a retard yet remaining sexy-as-fuck, living a depraved lifestyle rammed full of leeches and beautiful women, set in swimming pools and dirty venues, with buffets like corner shops and nights that never stop? Has it come to this: polite boys, gently strumming guitars and singing about their broken hearts and miserable lives?

Meanwhile, as I mumble nonsense into my fourteenth beer, Snow Patrol hook some pastey album tracks around the big single and pro-smoking anthem ’Run’. Their eyes look tired and their cheeky Irish wit only gets them so far – tho the ladies love that accent with all those drunk associations and terrorist undertones. The set passes and nothing really happens. They’re still the same old Snow Patrol who bored us and fell off stage, back in the days when Travis were having hits. They’re still the same Snow Patrol, yet they don’t play ’Starfighter Pilot’ and none of it matches up to Gary Lightbody’s side-project offerings under the Reindeer Section guise.

Time passes.

Your New Favourite Band ™ aping the songs of Your Folks Favourite Bands’ Jet enter stage left… HELP! Why on earth has my sick curiosity and warped sense of duty led me here?

As their guitars jangle on for what seems like forever, I return to debating just what it means to be rock’n’roll. The Stones, whom it would seem these Aussies are obsessed with, had it all, the sex appeal, the creativity under ridiculous amounts of self-medicating, the big hits, the subtle moments, the fan favourites and now the legacy to show for it. What have Jet got? The riff from Lust for Life, the crappest facial hair this side of puberty, a Rod Stewert mangled with Paul Weller haircut, and a tunless ballad or two. What about some ideas, some identity and being iconic, being historically important, behaving like rock royalty and not just recycling styles and other peoples ideas? All this hype for something this inane? Some heads are gonna roll if these are our kings. If only my glass wasn’t made of plastic…