Daddy raised me as a gambling man, so let me give you a nap prediction for the day: Tangled Up, the third album by critically acclaimed reality pop act Girls Aloud, will not receive a single negative review in any major mainstream newspaper, website, or music publication. If you want to place an accumulator bet, here’s my ‘next best’ prediction: all of these reviews, when laid end-to-end, will not contain a solitary speck of insight, intelligent comment, or accurate explanation for why Girls Aloud have become elevated to the position of unimpeachable icon figures for contemporary pop.
Back up for a while though, concentrate on the music. Girls Aloud have, admittedly, made a bunch of good-to-kinda-great singles in their career, at least five by my reckoning. At their best, they function as a kind of über-office Christmas party band: all of your pop faves, just done with less intelligence and panache but more opportunities for you to devise your own bedroom dance routines. So ‘My Sharona’ becomes ‘No Good Advice’, ‘Addicted to Bass’ becomes ‘Sound of the Underground’, and even ‘Love Machine’ is little more than the sound of someone running in on The Stray Cats while they’re asleep and drawing a cock on Brian Setzer’s forehead in lipstick.
On Tangled Up, there’s none of this. The last thing any sane person would come to a Girls Aloud album for is the sign of original thought processes. As soon as Xenomania start burbling “Hey, wait, here’s an idea nobody’s thought of before!”, someone needs to slap the taste out of their mouth immediately. Or, if you don’t want to conduct the violence yourself, maybe just tell Cheryl that Brian Higgins was actually born in Lagos. Sure, ‘Crocodile Tears’ here is certainly the first ever song to combine classical guitar, what sounds like synthesized pan pipes, and the rhythmic qualities of fucking Rialto into a Wall of Sound ballad, but that’s because it’s a stupid fucking idea for a song.
Tangled Up is a compendium of stupid fucking ideas for songs. ‘Control of the Knife’ has the same plodding beat, Europop noodlings, and lazy vocals you’d expect from the warm-up level on a Dance Dance Revolution machine. ‘What Are You Crying For’ is the sound of that Spice Girls album that didn’t sell, if they’d have taken out-of-date D&B instead of out-of-date R&B for a muse. Even comeback single ‘Sexy No No No’ is little more than a rejected studio take version of their earlier single ‘Wake Me Up’. Except, now, it has some stutter vocals as well. An amazing achievement that clearly required three years to come up with.
And they all sound so BORED. Nobody ever assumed that Girls Aloud were going to deliver the great vocal performance of the era, but back in the day they hit tracks with the same kind of pepped-up, girl gang enthusiasm that had seen female groups from The Crystals to Bananarama take it to a higher level than they perhaps deserved. Nowadays, I defy anyone to remember any lyrics from Tangled Up on the first, second, or third listen, such is the lack of emotion this whole record is performed with. The lyricists are fully aware of this, so the whole record is crammed with dumb non-sequiturs like “fling baby, swing baby, just a ding-a-ling baby” in a vain attempt to make any of this memorable.
Tangled Up isn’t horrid, or even bad, just stunningly mediocre. Indicative of matters as a whole is ‘Black Jacks’: it’s a perfectly perfunctory Radio Disney run-out, Hilary Duff-style soft rock complemented with a shouty cheerleader chorus. It’s okay, it’s acceptable, it sometimes even flirts with good; but there’s absolutely nothing here to recommend it above 200 other pop acts currently on the grind in interview segments on Nick Jr, or support slots for Hannah Montana tours. Nothing, except the bizarre cult of personality that has grown around GA.
Girls Aloud, like Bob Dylan and punk music in general, are just an excuse for music critics to stop thinking, shut off their critical faculties, and go “lalalala not listening” when you try and ask them where their all-consuming passion for this shit is actually coming from. Arguably no group has suffered as little real criticism in their career.
And why? Are Girls Aloud fantastic? No. Are they great? No. Are they the focus point for the gurgling of mid-life crisis-suffering Wilco fans trying to prove that, hey, they like the pop music, who make up the majority of ‘intelligent’ music criticism these days? Bingo. Throw into the mix the nubile, by-line photo friendly girls in their mid-20s trying desperately to prove to their editors that they’re in touch with some sort of nebulous, ill-defined ‘youth’ out there (a shtick that reached its apogee when, for some reason, GA were interviewed by The New Statesman in order to help explain how teenagers feel about politics these days), and you have a recipe for what amounts to unthinking, unblinking, wholesale acceptance of a band with maybe five good songs.
At the end of the day here, it’s not even that the emperor has no clothes on, it’s just that all he’s wearing is some shit from River Island and we’re treating him like he’s a fashion guru because of this.
But then again, what do I know about girl group pop? I’m just bitter that The 411 never made it to a second album. Now ‘Dumb’, there’s a straight-up banger.
Dom
i think i love you
I haven't heard this album, and probably never will
But I DO know that Call The Shots is actually quite awesome
Andy Gill in The Independent
Gave it a poor review as well.
Good review here, I know Girls Aloud are supposed to be good 'pop music', but I just get the urge to chuck something at the screen whenever they're on TV etc
Semen?
What a waste of the stuff
Well, except maybe Sarah Harding...
Terrible review
You've totally missed the point. What Girls Aloud do (and most of the credit for this must go to Xenomania) is that they produce catchy pop that has enough of an edge to make it stand out for the rabble. Have you listened to the pop charts recently? The top 4 songs (Leona Lewis, Take That, Timbaland, Kylie) are all bland, predictable pop songs - they actually sound remarkably similar to each other. Compare and contrast with something like 'Sexy! No No No' or 'Can't Speak French'. Girls Aloud consistently rip up the rule book that says "a pop song must consist of verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus."
I accept that this is probably their weakest album to date, and given that it came out so soon after Britney's masterpiece, it clearly suffers by comparison. But to say they sound "bored"? It's energetic and fun and so vastly superior to 99.9% of the pop music that hits the charts.
And obviously
I meant "from the rabble", not "for the rabble".
But are Girls Aloud
not also boring, bland and predictable? I sincerely doubt they have much to writing their own songs, never mind tearing up any rule book on the process
see
this is such a tired riposte against pop music, i'm astonished anyone would still use it.
especially redundant in this case, because it is obvious that the entity known as 'Girls Aloud' represents the songwriting/production team (Xenomania) just as much as the 5 singers.
the interesting situation with GA is that they have had the same people creating the music behind almost all of their records, so it is an extremely cohesive musical identity compared to some acts.
No, its really not
your counter-argument is probably even more tired.
"especially redundant in this case, because it is obvious that the entity known as 'Girls Aloud' represents the songwriting/production team (Xenomania) just as much as the 5 singers."- How exactly is this obvious? Do the songwriters perform with the girls? Do they do any of the publicity with the girls? No. They are essentially invisible backroom staff. Wasn't my point anyway; no rule book has been ripped up. This isn't original or challenging music, not even when put into relative terms and compared to other chart-friendly artists. It is bland and predictable and, having heard some of this record, not really a departure from their previous albums.
I have no issue with pop music. I was raised on pop music, and remember handing over my pocket money for a Natalie Imbruglia album about 10 years ago. I do have a problem with dressing mutton up as lamb.
"Rip up the rule book"?
Seriously?
:D I luv ya
Rule book destruction
"Girls Aloud consistently rip up the rule book that says 'a pop song must consist of verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus.'"
If the rule book does in fact say this (I haven't read it because I'm incredibly rock n roll), I'm not sure changing the song structure to, say, six verses followed by a middle 8, or ten choruses and a verse is necessarily the way to stand out from the rabble.
bleeding love
is fucking amazing.
THANK YOU
exactly what I have been trying to explain in a million pub rows... I do not understand why people who don't usually like pop try to persuade me that GA are somehow different and good. They might be decent pop, but I don't like manufactured pop music, so why the hell should I like them?
i swear...
.. the only reason DiS doesnt stomp all over them is because it would be too easy to.
Hold on a second!
I LIKE Rialto!
Quite good review though, if slightly over-vicious.
Ace review!
(Although I don't agree with a word of it)
:(
I like Wilco.
you're probably right..
...but this review is undone by laziness. Surely a decent writer - regardless of their worked-up frenzy - can find some better words than 'shit' to illustrate ever other point!
'shit' is a great word.
Shit orf.
Isn't shit
only used twice in the whole review?
this
album, ire works by DEP and riven by the underground family are my top three of the year, and anyone who cannot see the insane and stupid genius of this record clearly does not understand the point of music and is some sort of hipster scum who will be exterminated when I am queen
oooh
think this guy is suffering from the dreaded subvert the subverted disease. hmmm.
what i've heard of this album is more than acceptable (though not **amazing**) while "call the shots" is one of their best songs.
The thing is though...
The people who say "Oh Girls Aloud are alright for a pop band" aren't the ones buying their records. I have mates who say they like this garbage but yet wouldn't be seen dead with a song on their ipod.
At the end of the day though, who would you rather watch/listen to? Scouting for Girls?
Like all the other shit but with tits.
I choose...
...shit pop over shit indie any day.
-
Dumb by the 411 was class. Anyway, I've only heard "Sexy No No No" and "Can't Speak French" which I thought were both rather fantastic.
Tangled Up
Crikey! A dyslexic badger could write a better review of this album than Carrie did. Since when did Girls Aloud ever record Addicted To Bass, anyway? Wikipedia tells me that it's Puretone not our Girls Aloud divas. I'm sorry - but why are we wasting time reading a review by someone who clearly dislikes pop music - Tangled Up is probably GA's best album so far - which is saying quite a lot as they've all been pretty special. I'm sorry; Close To Love, Sexy No! No No..., Girl Overboard, Fling, Call The Shots, Black jack and I'm only just starting - all these songs are huge and superbly crafted pop tunes. Even the Girls b-side tracks are often better than most group's singles. This really is probably the best pop album you'll hear all year - which is saying a great deal as Britney's is marvellous for a start... I feel sorry that Carrie and some of the other posters here can't enjoy a good pop album in the same way as they would a "rock and roll" album - it's all pop effectively - hey - it's you who's missing out; I'm going back now to play Fling for about the millioneth time this evening. Musical haribo. I love it personally. I hope this does well for you Girls.
No one said they recorded Addicted to Bass,
did you actually read the review?
Anyway, this is all beside the point, it's all about the Sugerbabes, innit.
you might start the review with an ounce of credibility
if you bothered to find that oooh actually it's their 4TH album, not 3rd...
but why spoil a good indier-than-thou rant with facts, eh.
Wow
There are more Girls Aloud fans than I thought! Some passionate defence for the album (yeah I heard it - it's dull, I think). I like the review bit about Xmas party music - it does feel like that a bit...when your boss is like "ooh I like this one" and you kind of nod, pretending to be in touch enough to know who it is - but it could just be anyone really. (phew got through a whole 3 sentences on GA without mentioning their racks)
absolute bollocks.
i hate the way people assume that if your main music taste is indie/rock/etc and you like Girls Aloud you're just trying to be cool. it's these people that are the dicks. and can't get it round their tiny brains that other music can be good, that's not made by 4 twiddly curly haired boys in a dingy backroom somewhere. Girls Aloud don't pretend to be anything they're not. they're pure pop and they know it. and it's decent pop. it's good to dance to. it has a good beat. the tunes are good. they are, on the whole, good singers. and are pretty to look at.
this album is pretty fantastic i think. in fact, i prefer it to 'Blackout' which is fucking awesome. this album has no standard boring ballads on it, just good dance tunes. Girls Aloud and Xenomania know what they're doing. and have cranked out another brilliant pop album.
so, get over yourself.
1 good reason
There is a very simple reason why GA are at the top of the charts, there has been nothing but even worse shit to rival thier marketing team in the UK.
As Leroy from the Prodigy stated in a recent interview on a fucking awful freeview channel. You take these so called celibrities off of the British Isle and nobody knows who they are and nobody cares.
When Simon Cowel realises that he is shooting himself in the cunt with X-Factor and gets back to finding "talent" GA will be dropped off the map and Nadine will have a solo career which was the intention from day 1 but the savvy bint worked out that the butter is on this side of the toast for now.
what like..
the kooks?
?
the kooks are just bland uninspired indie.
lol @
all the people who think "Carrie" hates pop music
pop pop pop pop blah blah
pop is a genre, not an excuse for being shit. "pure pop"....urgh. how would one de-purify pop, may i ask? bin the autotuner perhaps?
dont see how "don't pretend to be anything they're not" is much of a plus point either. im pretty sure vengaboys didnt consider themselves a prog-rock band, but that didnt make them any less shite.
you criticise the assumption that people would just like girls aloud to be cool then in almost the next sentence make the equally baseless assumption that people who dislike girls aloud are doing so because it isn't "4 twiddly curly haired boys in a dingy backroom somewhere". lulz
as i said as a reply to the review of the fucking atrocious britney album, "pop" is comparing it to elvis, little richard, motown, stax, the beatles, the beach boys, the kinks, prince, blondie, michael jackson, and so on and so forth. thinking that girls aloud can even come close to being classed as "brilliant" in comparison to any of that lot merits a karcher hose to the eardrum.
this record is vacuous, soulless and very obnoxious. the entire thing could have been written by a computer (and probably performed by a computer considering the lack of actual signs of human life in the vocal tracks)
^
The first 2 paragraphs are by far the most sensible thing that has been said.
That is all.
m'eh
couldn't give a shit about Girls Aloud. comparison with Bob Dylan though? what the fuck are you talking about?
Read it in context.
:D
At the end of the day here, it’s not even that the emperor has no clothes on, it’s just that all he’s wearing is some shit from River Island and we’re treating him like he’s a fashion guru because of this.
oh and i met the 411 once.
Hey you lot
Calm down maybe; it's only pop? And who is Girls Aloud, Simon Cowell and Xenothingy anyway? Funnily enough I was just looking for Plant and Krauss; God knows how I ended up here.
What a load of...
...shit.
The review that is. The album is excellent.
It's a typical "oh, people love this so I'm going to hate it" type review. It's an "I must hate manufactured pop, regardless of how good it is" type review. And, I'm referring mostly to comments above here, ALL bloody music is manufactured. Just because the people delivering the performance didn't have the ideas it doesn't mean that the ideas contained are no good! The team behind GA deliver perfect pop songs - I couldn't care less if they perform it themselves or not.
I get the Bob Dylan comparison - but it's only because the output is so consistently good that reviewers can just switch off. The content speaks for itself. It doesn't surprise anybody.
"The last thing any sane person would come to a Girls Aloud album for is the sign of original thought processes":
Bollocks.
That is EXACTLY why people go to a Girls Aloud album rather than, for example, a Booty Luv record. Girls Aloud have carved out their own little niche, making pop songs that sound like no other pop group out there. They don't make standard pop songs - they have changed the mould and have set new standards. The 411 failed because they were shit - they puked out the same tripe that has been puked out by countless girl groups before them. By abandoning convention, i.e. song structure, they have created a completely unique pop sound. Of course they are going to get rave reviews - it is different, progressive and downright catchy.
100% spot on
This album is one of my favourites of the year amongst albums by Animal Collective, Marnie Stern and Pissed Jeans.
There hasn't been a pop group with such a consistantly great string of singles and albums since the 1980s, that appeals to those beyond the pop chart spectrum.
This should be celebrated (as it is virtually everywhere else in the press) and not be criticised as bold cynicism.
.
"Girls Aloud have carved out their own little niche, making pop songs that sound like no other pop group out there."
sugababes? kylie? mis-teeq? i could go on?
and
im sick of hearing this "reinvented song structure" crap. the many-hooks approach would be fine if the many hooks were actually good. the show just sounds like a song with far too many pre-choruses. biology is a mess between the animals sample at beginning an end. it always sounds to my ears like it was written very quickly; banal tossed-off variations on an original theme. i mean for fuck's sake, these songs aren't exactly "under pressure". listening to xenomania's supposed "many hooks" style is like listening to a bad jazz soloist noodling boringly around one repetitive lick for three minutes
love machine is a charming song. everything they seem to have done since then (and most of the stuff i can remember coming before it) is that same one song, the brash, obnoxious, plasticky xenomania dance number. yawn.
oh and
there are some shit ballads too
The album's only really for loony fans...
... and kids' Xmas stockings. Singles are what GA are about and they have done some corkers. You put 'Something Kinda Ooh..' on at a party when everyone's had a few - guaranteed pop mayhem. Genius with hair straighteners!